Humor


I thought I’d had some embarrassing first dates, but after reading the following account, I’m sure you’ll join me in passing the crown and sceptre over to this couple:

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter… snowing and quite cold… and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about “what is taking so long” with a reply that indeed, she was “freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!”

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down… or perhaps that should be “pants down.” And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno’s comment, . “This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.â€?

Do you have a first date story that will top this one? If so, please do share!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said,

“THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically,screaming “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! “I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said, “JESUS SAVES”.

Is it just me or does anyone else have issues with multiple stall bathrooms?

(ALERT: If you’re finicky and believe that women do not make use of the facilities, or should not speak about usage of same in public, please click that nice little red X on the upper right corner of your screen–now.)

Okay, now for the rest of you for-real folk:

I am, and have been for some years, an irregular defecator. However, since moving from New York to PA, it has gotten even worse; so much so that I even remembered to mention it to my doctor at my last visit.

Her opinion, “It might just be the water here in the valley.” (Lehigh Valley, that is, home to some of the nastiest tasting water you ever wanna sample.)

Anyway, back to the multiple stalls issue. Maybe, I spoke up too soon, or started drinking too much water and just jinxed myself? Because in the last two months, I have been quite prolific in my bowel movements. Yay! Almost regular. Downside? It’s always at work! I have tried holding it till off hours, you know…before 12 noon and after 2:30 pm, but 3 out of 5 times, just as I am mid-movement, so to speak, what do I hear? Footsteps!

Oh nooooo. Please not the stall next to me, please, please, please? Too late, here she/they come(s)! Should I hold my breath? Pull my feet up? But somehow, I know that even if I do one or the other, or even both, she/they’ll still know I’m here. (No, not via green fumes escaping under the door, I am the only African American person in my building…but that’s another story) So I grit my teeth, hold my breath and do everything but click my red heels, as I try to stop the action of my bowels…not possible. So once again I am defeated by the timing of my bodily function.

After that last embarrassing episode, I thought about it and I figure there ought to be some rules to avoid such embarrassment and they’d go like this:

  • The first person in should use the very first stall so that their feet will be visible, thereby cluing in the next person to skip a stall (which is the next rule)
  • People please skip a stall, there’s no need for all that bonding if there are three other free stalls.
  • All sound effects should be kept to a minimum (see next bullet)
  • Before usage, place a goodly amount of toilet tissue in the toilet bowl, thereby avoiding that plop…without the fizz sound effect. (Newly discovered tip from my sister.) 

    (DISCLAIMER: Now if y’all can’t tell the difference between goodly and too much and your bathroom clogs up…my name is Bess and I ain’t in this mess!)

  • Wipe that sprinkle after you tinkle
  • Have air freshener will travel

  • Hand washing is mandatory!

That’s my little curiosity (read: sharing and caring) moment for today.

Peace, Dee

P.S. As I concluded this piece, another curiousity moment came to me…when Pastor says that we should always be ready to share a testimony…I wonder if that includes moments like this?

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